In Recovery - Part 1
CW: This post discusses aspects of addiction, recovery, and eating disorders. If those topics are not the best for you at this time, please skip this one and know I love you.
Rock Bottom
Three months ago I sat at my partner’s kitchen table crying. I called him in the middle of the work day and said I needed him to come home. He did. He pulled up a chair next to me at the table and listened to me as I said out loud for the first time that I really was truly broken by my career and at rock bottom.
What I was feeling that day wasn’t new to me. Rock bottom has been a frequent stop in my life journey. Whether it was stopping there when a loved one’s addiction hurt me so much I needed to stop contact, or when I packed up everything I owned in my early 20s and moved across the country 6 days after a man told me he didn’t truly love me, rock bottom isn’t new for me.
What is new, however, was hitting rock bottom in my professional life.
I’ve written pieces about being a Depressed HR Pro, an Absent HR Pro, A Numb HR Pro, and even a Committed HR Pro. But there in my partner’s kitchen I realized I was an Addicted HR Pro.
Addiction is a nuanced topic in my life. I have family members who have died from addiction, and loved one’s whose addiction changed the course of my life forever. There are parts of my childhood that were so negatively impacted by other people’s addiction I had to spend entire years of therapy just on that.
I also have an addictive personality. I no longer drink any alcohol, I’ve never tried gambling or hard drugs out of fear of losing myself in them, and I have struggled with eating disorders.
I say all of this not to rip open old wounds but to let you know addiction and rock bottom are no strangers to me.
Which is why I’m surprised it took me so long to realize I was in active addiction and at rock bottom.
Active Addiction
Work has always been the cornerstone of my entire life. I started in HR when I was 18 years old and have never left. I fought my way through extreme poverty and worked 20 hours a day, 6 days a week, for almost six years. I became excellent at my craft not just because I loved it, but because it has been the heartbeat of my life even before my brain was done growing.
I have made millionaires into billionaires. I have helped companies IPO, assisted in getting them to their next round of fundraising, and built entire world’s for employees out of nothing. I’ve shut up, spoken up, put up, and soldiered through this thing we call the employee lifecycle for most of my life, all while getting my formal education without telling anyone.
But it took decades for me to understand that somewhere along the way, my drive and work ethic turned into something darker.
Between the daily 4am alarm clocks, hundreds of thousands of emails, years spent in meeting rooms, professionally screaming for someone to listen to the little Latina with a big brain, and the constant need to make everything better for every person around me, I became addicted to this.
Too Much of a Good Thing
There is almost nothing I would change about my career, my sacrifices, and the immense amount of love I have for Human Resources.
Almost nothing.
To say I am proud of my work is an understatement. This profession is truly a sacred work and I am still intrinsically and wholly in love with HR.
But too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.
I was building and loving and working in a way that was changing the chemicals in my brain and my body. I had surgery after surgery, took medicine after medicine, and ignored all the signs that this good thing had turned into a bad thing a while ago. If I could change anything, it would be letting this good thing become a bad thing.
Recovery Step 1 - Acknowledgement
It’s been months since that kitchen table moment with my partner. It’s taken me this long to untangle myself from work and find the right path in recovering from burnout and this work addiction.
Every brain and person is different. This short series is intended to inspire you to find the path that helps you recover if you find yourself at the same rock bottom as me.
My first step in recovering from this addiction and burn out was acknowledging what had happened to me in my career.
It’s been easy to acknowledge the good things - the success, financial stability, impact, close friendships, and growth.
It’s been excruciating to acknowledge the bad things.
For me, the path up and out of rock bottom was foggy and unclear. When I began acknowledging the bad things that have happened to me in HR, and sitting with those feelings while not trying to find a positive spin on them, I began to get sober. So here’s what I’ve acknowledged so far:
I have been taken advantage of by more people than I can count, including people I considered friends and put my neck out on the line to help get them to where they are now.
Men have treated me differently, and poorly, because I’m a woman.
White women have been given opportunities I am more qualified for because they are white.
Lazy organizations have forced me to educate them on LatinX topics while my own people are being locked in cages at the American border - and those organizations never once asked if I was okay.
Companies have used me and discarded me like I was just the wrapper on a candy bar despite the blood, sweat, and tears I gave to them.
Employees have hated, stalked, and threatened me because I was doing my job.
CSuite leaders have belittled, talked over, shut down, and laughed at me even when I’m right.
I’ve “taken one for the team” so much I don’t have “one” to give anymore.
My personal life has been stunted because I’ve given everything to companies and their employees.
It’s a tough list to look at, and one that continues to grow. It’s hard to say and write these things out without saying “but it’s okay because…”.
Recovery from any addiction requires a certain amount of honesty that we can only give when we’re sober. Acknowledging the negative experiences my addiction to work has had on my life lifted the fog at rock bottom and let me see there was a path up and out.
I hope this short series on recovering from work addiction and burn out helps you in some way. These are the words I needed to read and the perspective I needed to have years ago to keep me from hitting rock bottom.
I love you, you’re not alone, it’s time to get sober.