In Recovery - Part 2

Trigger warning: this post talks about suicide and other mental health struggles. If you are not in the place to read that type of material, skip this one friend. I love you, you’re not alone.

Struggling Since My 20s

The first time I thought about taking my own life I was 23 years old. It was this small thought, light as a feather, and so logical to me. I had never thought about suicide as a kid, and any experiences I had with people I knew taking their own lives never really made sense to me. But right there, at 23, the thought made the most sense. I wasn’t hysterical or terrified or even in pain. I just didn’t want to keep going.

The next time I thought about taking my own life was one year ago. I was working a “high-powered” job, dating my soulmate, and I did not have any financial issues. I wasn’t self-harming or even struggling with an eating disorder…I just wanted to die.

It was about 5pm when I took my dogs out to a big field I let them run in every night. Watching my dogs run and play is one of the biggest boosts of serotonin for my brain. And there I was, in gorgeous weather, with my dogs in our favorite place, and that very logical thought came back to me. Tears started streaming down my face without me trying to cry and I sat down in the middle of that field.

My phone was blowing up with Teams messages and emails like it always did as I sat in the grass. My CEO called me three times in a row. I pulled my knees up to my chest, chucked my phone across the field, and tried to find the will to live.

Dr. Kristen

When I returned home that evening I reached out to my doctor via the online portal saying I thought I needed anti-depressants. Within 5 hours of that message being sent my doctor responded and said, “I’m here. Let’s have a virtual appointment today so I can prescribe what is best for you. I’ve had my nurse move around my calendar so we can make this happen. Hang tight Kayla, I’ll take care of you.”

I took a screenshot of that message and have it to this day. Forever and always, thank you Dr. Kristen.

Clarity

The medication she put me on saved my life, but not in the ways you think.

Balancing the chemicals in my brain didn’t just reduce the symptoms of depression, it brought about a clarity I had never in my life experienced before. I could actually feel the sun on my skin, laugh easily, and think clearly.

As the fog in my brain started to dissipate, I saw something so starkly terrifying:

I would die from my addiction to work if I did not change.

A Choice

There’s this song that says, “It’s just my life and I can take it if I want to.” When I returned home from the field with my dogs that important night a year ago, I played that song on repeat. I probably played it 100 times that evening. It helped me wait for the response from my doctor.

I realized I really did have a choice. I was in control. This was my life, and I could do with it whatever I wanted, including ending it. Giving that power back to myself changed me.

As I’ve been on the burn out recovery journey it’s clear to me that my career and the pace I am keeping up is entirely a choice. I’ve opted into roles that are nearly impossible, picked companies that I know will need me, accepted jobs that suck the soul out of me. But I lost that truth of choice somewhere in my addiction to work and having the right medication to give my brain clarity brought me to the realization that It’s Just My Job And I Can Change It If I Want To.

HR Has No Choice

Historically, HR has no seat at the table. Even with CPO as our title, HR has never been truly respected enough to have a choice in the trajectory of a company. While I can see, and have hope, that is changing, most of my career was built on me fixing and making things work for people who didn’t give me a choice to do anything but clean up after them.

The decades of not having a choice contributed to my extreme burn out. I allowed my lack of power at work to leak into my personal life and found myself in a field needing to learn that MY life was MY choice.

Recovery Is Here

It would be ignorant of me to assume everyone can quit their current job or go find a role at a company that is less demanding. I am extremely privileged and built a nest egg that allowed me to take the time I needed to recover. It took me 10 months after that suicidal moment last year to make a change even with my nest egg.

I stuck with that high powered job for 10 more months. But it was my choice to stay, and that changed everything.

My road to recovery started the moment I started making choices for myself about my job. I chose to set hard boundaries at work, lower my expectations of my influence with my peers, and start recovering. I slept in some days, didn’t work on the weekends, and decided I would no longer feel overwhelmed by the workload that was piling up because of my recovery.

I looked my therapist in the face a week after I started meds and listened to her say, “Recovery is here. You can start right now. Recovering from addiction to your work is your choice Kayla, just like living.”

I Think We’re Okay

It’s been a year since I started medication and participating in active recovery. Most days I laugh big, plan adventures with my partner, and get enough sleep. Some days I cry because recovery isn’t easy or simple and I wish I didn’t turn down a $200k job because it would ruin my recovery journey.

But…I think we’re okay.

You and me, friends, I think we’re okay.

Because we have a choice. We as HR professionals don’t need approval from anyone to pick a different way of life that keeps us in recovery. Recovery is here.

I love you, I promise you aren’t alone, and you’ll feel the sun on your skin again soon.

If you are considering suicide or harming yourself, please call a suicide hotline my friend. I called and they talked me into making the choice to live. I know they’ll show you why choosing to live is the best choice.

Suicide Hotline Numbers:

USA - 988

Australia - 131114

Canada - 833-456-4566

Please click here for a list of all international suicide hotlines.